OwlmamaWorking Moms: We're in this together

There’s been so much publicized about bullying in recent years; it’s as if this problem just keeps getting worse and worse and we are helpless to do anything about it.

As I think about this problem juxtaposed against our own kindergarten wind down, I am struck by just how hard this year has been for us. People always say that kindergarten is all about socialization and developing bonds with friends but I didn’t realize just how hard this could be. It is amazing that at 5 and 6 years old, you can already begin to see hints of the type of behavior that could easily develop into bullying.

While I wouldn’t consider most of what I see as bullying — and I do acknowledge that the teachers keep close tabs on things — I’m struck by the fact that there is no formal education in social skills. If making friends and getting along with others is a prime goal of kindergarten, why is there no formal education in this?

We had the great fortune of finding an amazing social skill play group for my son. While this is normally geared toward kids with special needs, I’m quite sure that any child would benefit from such a course. Each week, kids get to to role play in various situations in a safe environment and practice how to handle themselves and treat others. If we treated this as a subject to be taught (like math and French) as part of the formal curriculum, I’m quite certain we’d start to see the bullying problem improve — and many other things too!

As a working mom, managing the needs of so many people can be overwhelming and stressful and can easily lead to feelings of sadness and depression.

In a great post on happiness on the Working Mother website (http://www.workingmother.com), Inara Verzemnieks suggests that the next time you’re feeling stressed, try doodling a picture of something happy or humorous. Studies have shown that this act alone can shift your mood or mindset.

While it’s not always easy to remember to do something uplifting in that moment when you’re stewing, I’ve also found that regularly telling others that you’re fabulous, amazing or super (even when you’re not) can also change your mood. While the act itself may feel fake in the moment, the moodshift really does happen. It’s as if our brain really can’t distinguish how we truly feel if our senses are transmitting a different message.

I’m a sucker for cheesy tv shows written by women. I got sucked into Brothers & Sisters when Rob Lowe was cast as a senator…then they added Gilles Marini and the show quickly became one of my guilty pleasures.

Despite the trailers that suggested a much anticipated sexed-up episode this week, the show’s themes were dark and confronting. Nora Walker (the family matriarch played by Sally Field) loses her mother unexpectedly and has to plan her funeral. During Nora’s eulogy for her mother, she breaks down crying uncontrollably and isn’t able to utter a single nice word.

This isn’t the type of thing that I like to think about every day but in the hustle and bustle of life — while the majority of my time is spent simply “getting things done” — I think considering what I’d want my own children to say about me is something that makes me take pause. Honestly, I can’t think of anything more important in terms of defining one’s own life.

For the second time in two weeks, President Obama has been in the City causing traffic jams and general grumpiness throughout the City. While traffic is being held up here, back in Washington, Congress struggles to come up with a budget and there’s a looming Government shutdown.

Meanwhile, all around me, I see workers, parents and families struggling to manage the day to day demands in an increasingly complex world. Maybe it’s me, but I’m hard pressed to think of something the Government has actually done for working families in recent history. It’s hard to believe that the Family and Medical Leave Act was passed 17 years ago. I remember thinking when it passed that it wasn’t ideal but it was certainly a step in the right direction. Who knew it would be a single gesture that would gather dust in the history books.

In thinking about the traffic jam in New York and in Washington, balanced against all of the crazy situations going on in the world, I fear that the plight of working moms and working families has once again been lost in the shuffle. I think this is a unfortunate given that many companies expect workers to answer emails and stay connected 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think most companies are offering much in return.

So here’s the thing. Since the FMLA is 17 years old (and was implemented prior to the rise of the Internet) I propose that (after Congress figures out the budget and prior to the end of President Obama’s term) someone draft The Family Flexibility Act. Basically, in return for the 24/7 workplace demands and expectations put on us, companies should be mandated to provide workers with flexibility. The provision for working different off-hours, working from home, taking time off mid-day (to pick up and drop off kids or take a parent to the doctor) should be a requirement not an exception. I think it’s about time that the FMLA be updated or adapted to better reflect the world and the needs of today’s workers.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this. If you agree and think I should pass this idea along to the President, please let me know (preferrably before the next traffic jam).

This has been a fairly eventful week for me. We moved from our apartment of nine years, my youngest child turns 5 and I spent an evening with one of my oldest friends reminiscing about some fun times we had more than 25 years ago. This combination of events has stirred up a lot of indescribable emotion that I’ve been struggling to understand.

As I think about the common threads I realize that all of these things have involved letting go. Letting go often implies a loss and loss, in and of itself, can be stressful. They say that raising kids is a continuous process of letting go. Sometimes letting go is incremental and is somewhat easier to deal with in small chunks. Other times, something happens that forces you to let go abruptly and these adjustments aren’t always so easy.

While I think having practice at letting go can make it easier, some changes are challenging no matter what. I think merely accepting that letting go is a process that takes time is probably the best first step to easing the transition.

My son’s sitter, recently sent me a really touching email where she expressed her appreciation for being able to spend time with my son. She commented that by having the chance to watch him grow up, she felt that she grew up herself.

I thought this comment was really interesting and it got me thinking about whether anyone is ever truly “grown up” and about whether I’m actually “grown up.” I think the truth is, that I’ve considered myself grown up for a long time — even as a kid, I always felt grown up. That said, while I was thinking about this, I was in the process of sorting and purging a variety of baby and toddler items. I noticed that over the course of the past six or so years, while my kids drank from bottles and sippy cups, we unconsciously switched to drinking from plastic cups and as as the kids went through their period of careless disregard for organization (as little kids do) it seems that we went there too.

While I’m not sure that this means that I am not grown up, I do think that it’s a reminder that when you become a parent, you’re really in the trenches, re-living it all — from the basic needs to each challenge and emotion that your kids go through. If having kids doesn’t help you grow up the first time, I definitely think you end up growing up a second time. Whichever it is, I too, am very appreciative for being able to have that experience.

I have the privilege of managing or collaborating with a broad cross section of people of various ethnicities, countries of origin, ages and experiences. For the most part, I think that the collaboration among these diverse groups leads to better products: the diverse thinking means covering problems from more angles and more diverse solutions tend to get explored. I think the collection of these ideas is a valuable asset that can be leveraged. When it’s not leveraged, I think it’s because of lack of communication to “the top” and a bit of leadership decision-making paralysis.

On the home front, I try to leverage the diverse ideas of my kids. The honest and unencumbered ideas from kids are often amazing and brilliant. Sometimes I’m not sure that I’m quick enough or firm enough in my decisions but I’m still smiling that my pre-schooler recently told me, “”Don’t worry, Mom, you’ll still be the boss, even when you’re old.” I know that he’s too young to really judge how good of a leader mom I am, but I’m hoping that I’ll continue to earn his trust (as well as the trust of people that I work with) so that I can leverage all of the brilliance around me.

I’ve been reading and thinking a lot lately about what it will take to be “successful” in the next decade and beyond. Obviously, I think about this in the context of educating my kids but I also think about it in the context of being a working mom.

Many people suggest that resumes are nearly obsolete and will be replaced with websites, while YouTube video portfolios and blogs will be expected components of your virtual resume. These are likely to play a major role in future hiring and promotion decisions.

While these changes in medium, presentation and delivery are different and feel a bit scary, I think the opportunities that they suggest are extremely exciting. With each passing day the Web seems to continue to crush barriers of location, space and time. We now live in a world where books, movies and music can be distributed directly (without a middle man) and workers can be anyone (with skills) working from anywhere.

As I think about the very successful women I know who’ve made major sacrifices to achieve (or who needed 3 advanced degrees more than their male counterparts to achieve the same ranks), I am hopeful that the Web will play a vital role in leveling the playing field. I’m really excited for the dialogue to change from referencing “the glass ceiling” to referencing “the glass web.” After all, a web seems infinitely more fragile.